Archive
Spending Friday night alone
I'm reading Campus frat boy porn
strewn on the table
for my roommate
when he finally gets home
but just one night ago, three flights ago
I'm back in Michigan
another trip I won't remember,
or appreciate much when I'm dead

and the hotel where I slept that night
was surely haunted, then
because every hour I woke up feeling
so watched and wanted
and I think I remember that
from when we met
which feels so insignificant
or maybe odd now to admit
it's all in retrospect

and so I spent the winter bundled up
pretending I was sane
and giving up
the things I love the most
because they felt like pain

and it's so obvious
this jaded bunch
we don't believe in ghosts and such
we watch the hunt incredulous
but cannot look away

and you looked at me
like I was a piece of meat
so I was a piece of meat
for a time

but you were a vegetarian, so I became a vegetarian
then when you started eating meat, I also started eating meat
and I lied to all my friends
said I was happy when I wasn't
and you lied to all your selves
said I could give you what you wanted
but it all feels so much bigger than some lonely blame-filled break up like all our narratives and mortality only distill to

oh my god, we're gonna die
we're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone
we're gonna die and maybe it's gonna be alone and no one will find the things we left behind

because
because we
because we never thought to leave a fucking archive.

Better Go!: drunk dial, then
I wish that you would
it’s such a pretty house,
in a pretty yard, in a pretty neighborhood
godammit, I wish that it were
a metaphor for a feeling or,
the hard cover of your new memoir

oh my god, look at all the stuff you’ve got
does it make your loneliness more bearable?

you look a lot like me
remiss the oft anxiety
sated, and I wish that I was

better go without me
‘cause I don’t know the thing to say
it’s all demand until they need where your body stands
guess I ain’t using my body anyway

anyway, so tired and I wish that I was
anyone in another state in another place in another neighborhood
goddamnit, who’s taking me home?
goddamnit, I wish that you could
(no no, no)

oh my god, you got everything you want
even a bloodless diamond rock,
who would have thought?
you look a lot like you
maybe I also do
if the house is glass, then I am not but

better go without me
‘cause I don’t know the thing to say
it’s all demand until they need where your body stands
guess I ain’t using my body anyway

anyway
one by fire and one by plague
don’t think that I’ll see you again
but I don’t mind it as I once did
I push the door ‘cause it opens in
all my tension taut and inhabited
oh my god, another brownstone city block
“pull out the playground, build a lot if they’re smart”
you say
‘cause you’ve got to live
so I cared and you never did

hope your computer keeps you warm where I could not

I’m not Robert Frost
if I wrote a poem about the weather
it would start in my car
digging out
for an hour
and this town is all just dirt and earth
and a little lie
and a bigger hurt
no, I shouldn’t have
left my house in the first place
I guess

but I always go back to where I’m meant to be
I go back to where I’m meant to be

so on a polar high that I found one night it was cold outside
were your frozen hands are so much like mine,
but they don’t compromise
now I’m looking at the ground because I don’t want you to leave
I know it’s co-dependent
but I think it’s kind of sweet
out of every person in this city
I could ever meet
leaving feels like losing
but I’m learning what I need

I go back to where I’m meant to be
I go back to where I’m meant to be
in the morning

I want to know when it stopped
the eye of the storm
everything is not what it was and I’m not Robert Frost

I wish that I’d replied
I wish he hadn’t died
I wish a lot of things
the day you lost your dog
and I lost my car
it was a Saturday

but the frozen air
and the frozen ice
and the biggest hurts
and the boldest lies
are gonna disappear
like the melting point
like my melting rules
like my melting life

I go back
to where I’m meant to be
I go back to where I’m meant to be
in the morning

I want to know when it stopped
the eye of the storm
everything is not what it was

I’m not Robert Frost, if I wrote a poem about decision it would start and it would end in the same place

so, it’s a charming disposition
you could call it nihilistic
and I thought that I would miss it (while still wishing that I didn’t)
but I wish that I could give it
half as well as I can take it
still, I’m learning how to fake it and I fake it but can’t fake the fact that I

I would fly you to New York
just to watch you walk across a crowded room
but I don’t believe in nothing
least of all my own intentions
still, I wish the best for you for you

cool party, it’s like the best party like, I wish that I had something to wear
but every word that I said was
out of my head
out of my head
out of my head
what I meant instead:
how can I give you what you asked me for if I don’t want to take care of myself?
No more of that again

so he’s a fan – it’s ironic
as they say, I’ve still got it
as I’m pale-faced and prodding,
still performing with my pain arranged in front
and I am not fine
any more than I am on time
and I’m late again for something
that I can’t ignore
like I can’t ignore that I

I would fly you to New York
just to watch you walk across
walk across a crowded room

and I don’t believe in nothing
just not most things
just not lately
I suppose I wanted to
did you?

cool party, it’s like the best party
like I wish that I had something to wear
I can’t get out of my head
out of my head
out of my head
out of my head
I can’t give you what you asked me for,
I don’t want to take care of myself
anymore,
no. more. no more no more no more

but “don’t worry...
I’m not gonna do.. . ..
what you think ... .I’m gonna do.. .
which is just FLIP OUT”

(party’s over.)

construction zone
outside my window
I fell out of bed again
I’m getting used to it

but you wept, you said
I tasted like pain to you
I think that it’s just a mood
but I hope it starts leaving soon

like I do

so I left then too
I slept in a parking lot
used to feel dangerous
now it’s just sad

stories you tell to them
memories of fallen men
ball steps and pirhouettes
and “I hadn’t met you yet”s

it’s not true

me? I still don’t know
a broken down but faithful radio
a dopplering, dropped slur from a car window
the sun on the ground
but you? I do
raised red flags and charm and all
I bet you taste like my manias
bet I don’t want to find out

but I do

so I folded and
I fell like an actor then
performing a narrative
dressing, undressing it
is this how it’s always been?
don’t know what the problem is
people abandoning you without cause
and you think that I won’t
lonely looking, young and vulnerable
I bet you taste like my lowest lows
bet I don’t ever want to know

but I do

I watch re-runs of the jersey shore snooki drank too much, now she's on the floor it's a feeling that I've felt before though it was not televised I don't mind, I don't get upset and you're watching me while I'm watching it I'm just curious I'm a scientist but you think that I'm depressed I watch reality tv just look at what it's done to me I can't believe that nothing means not half of what it did I don't mind, I don't get upset but I haven't left my bedroom yet and getting dressed was an accomplishment so you win, you win, you win you win don't tell me where you've been don't tell me what you did when you were gone me, I guess I'm still something of an amateur you'd think that i would know by now season 8 and I ain't figured it out so, on film i keep getting my feelings hurt or saying things you don't deserve or imprinting on you like a werewolf in love, i did you don't get my references what if I met someone who did did it all sound better in your head That movie was so offensive but it got me through november even though I will swear up and down that I wish that I knew better I wish I did don't tell me where you've been don't tell me what you did when you were gone when it gets so bad that it’s almost good I'll move to san francisco or hollywood i won't write you like you wish I would but I'll miss you all the same you won't mind, you won't get upset once you change, all you want is the audience they're so obviously all narcissists me, I just love turning off my brain one big escape don't tell me at all I don't want to know I'll just watch it over and over on the show

Winter is listless and I’m a little bit like it I can’t seem to sit still but I can’t seem to move and everyone I meet is a little bit like me keep selling me something you don’t need to prove you keep selling me something you don’t need to prove and if I don’t like it, I’ll move to Iowa ‘cause I’ve got no problem with places unseen it’s the ones that I’ve loved like the curve of your collar bone careful, now, careful or they don’t let you leave it keeps getting better but some days it feels worse I don’t know what to conquer to determine my worth I try roadways and I mark the map where I’ve been in my doorway but I always come back here again singing: if I don’t like it, I’ll move to Iowa ‘cause I’ve got no problem with places unseen it’s the ones that I’ve lost like a New York apartment you walked down the staircase still looking at me you walked down the staircase and I let you leave I let you leave I don’t think they notice how lonesome I’ve gotten I learn about fashion to dress up my self-loathing but in the morning how I wake up and I give it my best to be honest and kind and try not to regress besides, I know that the solace in sadness is talk whether singing or sobbing or swearing it off so I keep my eyes open keep a hand on my heart say I’m bold brave and forthright and it isn’t my fault no it’s not (my fault) no it’s not (my fault) and if I don’t like it I’ll move to Iowa ‘cause I’ve got no problem with places unseen it’s the ones that I’ve known like a cold city winter blow like a blizzard (the wind in the trees) blow like a blizzard (me and my needs) blow like a blizzard and please, pass over me

I pour steaming milk into paper cups and start conversations with new strangers the awkwardness finally burning off like a fever but forgetting is a privilege and I don’t forget it I drove up your old block, right past your apartment the roommate you hated was carrying boxes of something has your face gotten older? has your voice gotten lower? I feel the same but the world keeps getting slower something inside of me says I’m better than I was I couldn’t come over, so I met you there and you’d grown a bit taller, same grays in your hair that I saw on your mother the night that I met her in Portland you know, Maine is such a pleasant place I could see myself getting in the way as soon as I settle I’ll know I can’t stay has my face gotten older? has my voice gotten lower? I feel the same but the world keeps getting slower even still, something inside of me says I’m better than I was and I heard the record that she had bought in the coffee shop, but she got it wrong because he writes of loss and impermanence it’s not a break up song while I pour steaming milk into a paper cup I start a conversation with a new stranger who says that being left by someone who don’t get you isn’t wrong, it’s a favor and you’re so scared of getting old and I’m so scared of growing slow most of all we’re scared we’re always gonna be alone but even so something inside of me says I’m better than before

I know you can live your whole life waiting for a sign neon flashing gold lights and it's dark enough outside but i'm sitting on the side street doing nothing with my time while the punk kids in the quarter made a thousand bucks tonight but that's not me before i leave or move my feet i'm gonna freeze she says people can be different but I don't miss my home still, every winter here the pipes burst because they're not used to being cold and i live alone instead now and i don't mind it like i did if the house is haunted anyway what's another empty bed? but as for me before i leave or move my feet i'm gonna freeze new orleans in the winter chicago in the fall things that are and are not that we leave comfortably unsolved i should and i should not go i can and cannot call though i guess that doing nothing is doing something after all but i could still leave i could still leave

I think I’m pretty good at talking to people I try to listen hard when they respond but I’m not much of a networker unless you like non-sequiturs about mold, or ghosts, or chubby little dogs the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head you would think that I would know it but I never seemed to notice now the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head so I thought that I would make a life in music though I know catching a break can be so hard and this big band needed an opener but that week I was scared of my computer so I missed the show at Madison square garden the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head you would think that I would know it but I never seemed to notice now the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head and everyone has heard the horror stories about labels that take small bands for a ride which is maybe why when I got the offer I picked it apart until they pulled it I’ll be broke but own my masters when I die the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head you would think that I would know it but I never seemed to notice now the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head so I got a side job sometimes making coffee and I met myself some friendly regulars one day a music magazine editor asked for tracks that I’m never gonna send to her (that one’s probably just self-sabotage) the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head you would think that I would know it but I never seemed to notice now the shrink thinks that the problem’s in my head the shrink thinks that the problem is in my head