If I had my way
every day would be my day
I would ask you out
you would say "okay!"
and I'd come get you at 8
8 'o clock right on the dot
'cause sometimes when i am late
then i can't get you to talk
and it ruins our whole date

and if i had my way we'd go out every night
it'd be perfect every time and we'd never ever fight
you know, you used to call me up when you were high
and I never ever asked you
so you never told me why

your hair is green, your hair is pink
my head is young
my heart can't think
I drive my car, I ride the bus
I stay too long
I ask too much
Your hair was black
'til it was blue
i always had
a crush on you
you dye it back
when you need to
i'm still deciding what to do

but if i had my way,
i would ask you to the prom
you would want to meet my mom
and you wouldn't even tease me
for rhyming words in my songs
'cause i wrote those songs about you
but i hope you understand
that they were actually about me
and i hope that you're not mad

cause if i had my way you'd kiss me on the lips
and you'd wear that dress you like
and i'd wear the suit that fits
but when you lie to me you know it makes me sick
'cause your phone didn't die,
but your soul did.

'cause i wrote those songs about you
but I hope you understand
they were actually about me
and i hope that you're not mad

'cause i wrote those songs about you
but you'd better understand
they were actually about me
and I don't care if you're mad

that I wrote those songs about you
and I play them at my shows
that I write these songs about you
and I make sure that you know
that I write these songs about you
that I play these songs about you
that I sing these songs about you
that I mean these songs about you
that I write these songs-
that I write these songs;
Goddamn, I'll write these songs

Your hair was black til it was blue
just cut it off if you want to
I couldn't care less what you do

I packed my overnight bag a year before
they say "everyone's waiting for something"
this is what I have been searching for

do not call the doctors
they won't tell you a thing
do not call my father
as if he knew how I was doing

bandages all around,
jello running down your chest
hope for the best
this is not what I had expected
you were not the person I projected on you from the start

now my nerves are a bowl full of porridge
drive the last nail and close up this casket
and I know it's dramatic 
but baby, I'm manic
and the verdict of late is dysmorphic

Like I could be better
Like I could be better, I swear

and if I develop infection
I will scratch you right out of my skin
if I come home looking different
please do not ask me where I have been

I was there, under my skin
everything I knew that I would have been 
for you were there, under my skin
everything I did that I'd do again
everything I did, oh, I'd do again and again

'cause I could be, I could be better
I could be better, I swear

I packed my overnight bag a year before
they say "everyone's waiting for something"
I don't want to wait anymore.

I came home to find you on drugs
I was on the verge of every song I'd ever sung
you said oh my gosh
it's like I can't escape
I am a child of fate
and then you threw a plate at me
you were so wasted

All my life
I've been a child of stress
you were the worst at best
and if I may confess the worst ain't over
yet if you call
I won't stumble
I've been humbled
like your bottles, empty in the morning

Hold on up, we've got a bleeder on our hands
I don't think you understand, get here as quickly as you can
I've learned to hate
oh, I have grown to love
I have learned to be
what I hoped I would become
and tell me what of you
what did you do
what did you say
what did you leave behind
who did you save

You came home, I was on the rug
you were on the verge of every hole you'd ever dug
you said Oh my God
I cannot catch a break
but I am a child of faith
so when you turned away, I just lay in silence

Hold on up, we've got a bleeder on our hands
I don't think you understand
you better do the best you can
you'll grow to hate
oh, you will learn to love
you will learn to be what you hoped you would become
and tell me what of me
what did i do
what did i say
what did i leave behind
who did i change

I do not smoke cigarettes
I told him with conviction
'cause I've always been asthmatic
and I don't support addiction
he said, but I always roll my own
I said, but I still think that you're a poser

He said, I don't sleep in parking lots
I've always been a fighter
I said that sounds pretty easy
when you've got a warm recliner
in your parents living room
when where you are is where they'll pay the rent

and for all your liberating an the lives you say you're saving
one would think you would be half as full of shit
and for all the rules you're breaking and the progress that you're making
I could do without that breed of anarchist
I could do without that breed of politic
I could do without that breed of hypocrite
I could do much more without the likes of this

He said, I'll be on that picket line
for equality
but I hope everyone looks like me
and does not treat me differently
I said, God damn, you hypocrite
he said, I do not take that name so lightly

I said, I don't sleep in parking lots
I've always been resistant
he said, that sounds pretty easy
would you just shut up and kiss me
I said, aw man, you're no feminist
he said, I do not use that word so slightly

and for all your liberating an the lives you say you're saving
one would think you would be half as full of shit
and for all the rules you're breaking and the precedents you're making
I could do without that breed of anarchist
I could do without that breed of politic
I could do without that breed of hypocrite
I could do much more without the likes of this

I'm so small now
I'm so big now
I am awake now
and I don't mind

I don't mind I'll be your earthworm
I will wait here in the dirt
for you to come and find me and determine what I'm worth
and cut me into two halves,
half one and half two
I'll be the person
wiping up your tears this afternoon
my name is earthworm

my name is I don't have a name
you can leave me on the sidewalk
I just hope a hopscotch game
doesn't start anywhere near me
'cause it might squish both my halves
I'll be the person you can always count on for a laugh

I had a dream that we all woke up and realized it didn't matter
and I don't mind

I don't mind I'll be your sunscreen
you can be my Dr. Phil
I can tell you not to worry
you can tell me if I'm ill
and cut me into two halves
half one and half two
but can I keep a quarter, or is this whole thing for you?

I could be your wingman
while you check out the ladies
I could be your waiter, I won't forget the pastries
I was a bad waiter and I forgot the pastries
tell me you'll forgive me, it wasn't 'cause I'm lazy

I had a dream that we all woke up and realized it didn't matter
and I don't mind

earthworms they have no hands and feet
who cares if you won't talk to me
who cares if you act really mean
when we do speak, if we speak
who cares if you won’t talk to me

I am awake now and I don't mind
I'm so small now
I'm so big now
I'm so small now
I'm so big now
I'm so big

I went to a gay bar
and I looked at all the paintings
if you see somebody
studying paintings in a gay bar, that's me

and all the boys were laughing
and all the girls were dancing
and I thought for a moment,
I saw someone in between

so, do you want to talk to me?
do you want to dance with me?
do you want to get drunk and discuss anthropology?
I don't really care that much
no, I don't care at all
I just don't want to be alone
when I hit that wall
'cause all of my life
oh, all of my life
I've been waiting waiting waiting in line

so I went to the gay bar
and I got myself a haircut
I was feeling pretty good
thinking I looked like I should
and at the door there was a fee
and once inside would you believe
no one even took a second
to take a second glance at me?

so, do you want to talk to me
do you want to dance with me
do you want to get drunk
and discuss anthropology?
I don't really care that much
no, I don't care at all
I just don't want to be alone
when I take that fall
'cause all
of my life
I've been waiting waiting waiting in line

so I went to the gay bar
only stayed an hour or two
then I mustered up the courage to come
crawling back to you
and I know that that's bad etiquette
and I know it's pretty low
but I realized that I love you
and I thought you ought to know

so, say that you'll still talk to me
say that you'll still dance with me
say you want to stay at home and discuss anthropology
'cause I don't really care that much
but I'd pretend for you
let me say again so it sinks in
how I'm sorry and I love you

and all
of my life
in fact,
all of our lives
we are waiting waiting waiting
for the right time

you can jog your way to freedom
it's not going to come fast
if it even comes at all
you can bet that it won't last
so you call my way on monday
just to make sure I'm alright
I think everything is fine
until I have to hear that voice of yours
and I thumbed my way to philly
'cause I figured, what the hell
I was half bored and half dead
living home was going well
and I do not have to tell you
it was not a pleasant ride
but you know that if I had the chance
I would take it again twice

you can dance your way to romance
but it will not get you far
and I met some awful dancers
who had awfully fancy cars
they said that if you have a car
then you will always have a date
and by then I had a bicycle
and that worked just as great

'cause you can ride your way to health
but if your insides don't agree
then you may as well be eating chips
and watching bad tv
and you know if that's the case
and you are feeling kind of rough
then come over to my house
and we can beat each other up and stuff

and after we will ride
but it will be more of a race
and i will not let you win
so you will punch me in the face

and I will lie my way to heaven
if it gets me through the doors
but I'll take one look around
and I'll be dead and I'll be bored
and so I'll file a complaint
to transfer ASAP
when I wake up in the morning, I'll be feeling more like me

and I am feeling more like me

I was jogging back for freedom
'cause I'd left her by mistake
at the shopping mall I worked at
living home was really great
and you call me up on wednesday
just to get me through the week
I decided then and there
to keep on jogging 'til I'm free
and I am feeling more like me
I am feeling more

you make me want to
unlearn everything I’ve learned to do
make myself better to know you
throw out my skateboard in the trash
I was just falling on my ass
this whole time trying to impress
all of those girls that I liked less
rip all your posters off your door
pick up your suitcase from the floor
and come one last time to see my show
it is so hard to watch you go
hope san francisco’s what you hope

‘cause you’ve got two character flaws that I can see
one, you don’t know how great you are
and you are leaving me
but I know that I’ll get over that eventually
and I hope that California’s what you need
you’re a tumbleweed

you make me want to
curl up in your bed with you for days
go vegan just to cook you eggs
and if I’m making a mistake
believe it’s already been made
and if she smokes a pack a day
well, I guess even that’s okay
I lost my asthma anyway
it would have loved her, it’s a shame

she lets me borrow all her books
and I catch her shooting me these looks
wish I were smart enough for her

you’ve got two character flaws that I can see
one, you don’t know how great you are
and you are leaving me
but I know I’ll get over that eventually
and I hope that California’s what you need
you’re a tumbleweed

you make me want to
unlearn everything I’ve learned to do
make myself better to know you
throw out my skateboard in the trash
throw out my skateboard

Two character flaws that I can see
you don’t know how great you are
and you are leaving me
but I know I’ll get over that eventually
and I think New York just might be what I need
I’m a tumbleweed

I love you, kelele
you know I wouldn’t lie
to you, kelele
you’re the apple of my eye
we make the perfect pair
cuz you go everywhere
you make me feel alive
you’re smart and cute
and travel-sized
oh yeah, oh yeah

and I don’t care
if you leave the cap off of the toothpaste tube
I don’t care
you know nothing brings me down when I’m with you
I don’t care if you wanna go on dates
‘cuz I know when it’s getting late
that you will come home to the case I built for you, kelele

‘cuz I love you, kelele
no need to tell you why
I love you, kelele
no need to tell you I’m in love with everything
you make me want to sing
when we have kids, I’ll change their strings
and wipe their bridge for you
that’s what I’ll do
for you, kelele
the things I’ll do for you, kelele

I love you, saxophone
(please don’t tell my guitar)

I went to your house
I stood on your porch
I looked in your window and
I knocked on your door

I walked through your hallway
like I’d been there before
I ran into your brother
writing a book report

and I am not family
but I sat at the table
and I tried to answer
what I was not able

like, where did you go, dear?
why’d you go there
are you out playing your twelve string
with no strings and no one to hear

and who do you know now?
has it been a year?
these are the things I would ask you if only you could be here
you should be here

I went to your job
I picked up your paycheck
I thought I might cash it
I thought you would like that

I bought some cigarettes
the brand you liked best
I turned off all the lights
I left them on your desk

because you were not wealthy
but you had nothing to lose
and I thought that maybe
I’d pretend to be you

where did you go, dear?
why’d you go there
are you out playing your twelve string
with no strings and no one to hear

and who do you know now?
has it been a year?
what could I do to convince you that
maybe you should be here
you should be here

I went to the bar and ran into your friends
they all pretended to care how I’ve been
I have been fine
just for the record
or at least I have been making an effort

and I had a problem
but you had an attitude
nothing that I could say was good enough for you

I had the good sense
to hide in my car
‘cause when you get angry
you go for the jugular

I could have stayed there all night
I could have stayed there

and love felt like nothing that I’d felt before
like I’d been let out, like I’d been run over
and I was an animal
I was a child
maybe I felt nothing
you sure felt dignified

I could have stayed there all night
I could have stayed there

I kicked the habit
and you kicked my ass
tough love ain’t free
but we sell it on tap
it’s a pretty good price
but you’ll hate what you’re getting
still, who wants to spend every night just forgetting
that I could have stayed there

so thank you for asking
my jugular’s fine
but I hate your friends
and they’re not even mine
and thanks for pretending
to be so helpful but fuck all you guys
you were always such assholes to me
and I could have stayed there
alone

I went to the bar and ran into your friends
they all just pretended to care how I’ve been
I don’t really know where I was before then
I don’t really know who I was before then

have you ever laid around
until 2 or 3 or 4
have you ever gone to bed
with a musician type before
you don't act like you have
you don't act like you would
and i hear it ain't half bad
but you know it can't be good

when you're locked up in your room
when you're chained up to your floor
when you practice in the hall
i hold my ear up to my door
i hear all the things you sing
i hear all the things you say
and if you never write it down
then you don't have to act this way

when you come into my room
when you see me on the floor
when you pass me in the hall
do you think that i want more
do you think you stare too hard
do you think that i mind
do you think i'm gonna answer myself
in the next line

no fuckin' way
but anyway, every day
I have been listening

and she swore I couldn't speak
and she knew I couldn't dance
and she told me not to fret
and she called it circumstance
and she kissed me in my car
so i drove right off a cliff
i awoke to my guitar
and i started writing this

and i was locked up in my room
i was chained up to my floor
i was strapped down to my bed
you held your ear against my door
and you heard all the chords i tried
and all the words i didn't use
and if i never write it down
then i don't have to act confused
when i come into your room
when i see you on the floor
when i pass you on the hall
i don't know if i want more
i don't know if you stare
i don't know if i mind
i don't think i'm gonna answer myself
by the time i'm done
and it's fuckin' wrong
but anyway,
now you can sing along

I have been listening
to you

I met you in a bathroom
it doesn't matter what I saw
it doesn't matter what I felt
it doesn't matter what I thought
I met you in a bathroom
and did you tell your mother that?
I swear you tell that woman everything
now there's no going back
'cause if your mother hates me
then so does your family
if your family hates me
all your friends must too
and if all your friends hate me
you could never date me
if you'd never date me
this love would never do

and you've been locked up in your room
and i've been listening
and you've been chained up to your floor
and i've been listening
and you don't have to say the right thing
i've been listening
we don't have to speak at all